Totori - Duke of NYC

… make you do things you said you’d never do. It will make you act all girly, giggly, blush, think cheesy thoughts and do cheesy things. It will make your heart flutter…

I’m a person who’s completely comfortable in their own skin. I know who I am. I know what I’m capable of. I know what I like and don’t like. I am set in my ways, but not so much that I won’t change if change is needed and if change will be beneficial.

Since moving to NYC, I’ve felt a new part of me come alive. I’ve grown so much as a person. I went from leading a normal, yet passive life, to leading a normal, but ambitious life. I call NYC my home. No, I didn’t grow up here. I’ve only lived here just shy of 3 years, but it feels like home. It’s brought out the best in me and when I leave, I miss this city. When I come home, I feel like I can breathe again. This is my home…

Since moving here, I said I’d want to live here with my husband. Have a nice condo in the city. Our kids would go to public school. Ride the subway like everyone else. Be exposed to diversity and culture that wasn’t available to me when I was younger. But love will make you want to move. It will make you forget all those things you dreamed and planned about. You’ll do anything to be near the one you love.

Because what good are you in city when the one you love isn’t there with you?

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I’ve spent an ungodly amount on going out this year… Dating has been futile…. I can’t focus at work because I’m always thinking about upcoming personal events… So I’ve decided…

I need a break from the social scene…

I need to get back to my studies.. Read more books… Save more money… Have some ME time… So after my dinner date tomorrow night, I will be going into hiding for a while… No going out.. AT ALL… The only time that I will be out will be when I travel to Philly for Christmas. Otherwise… My schedule will be, Home -> Work -> Home… With the occasional grocery shopping and errand running.

Let’s see how long I can keep this going…

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My father came to visit me a few weeks ago. Now most would think that it is a great thing to have their father/parents come to visit. For me, it was a great cause of anxiety and stress. My father and I are not close. In fact, I saw him for the first time in 10 years in December of 2006. During that visit, he apologized for what happened to me when I was young and asked to be a part of my life now. I reluctantly agreed, but told him that he would have to work very hard. Over the last 11 months, he’s given a half assed try, but since I expected nothing, no harm done.

At the end of summer, he mentioned coming to NYC to visit me. He has never been and thought it would be a good trip. I said sure, thinking he’d never actually come. Before I knew it, he was making arrangements and booking tickets. He arrived on a Wednesday and left early on a Monday morning. During his time here, I realized something.

As I look into my father’s eyes as he speaks, I look at him with eyes of hate.

Is this man really my father? This tall American giant with his crystal clear blue eyes and his thick gray hair. This man who is prejudist and racist. This man who ogles women and curses at those of color. I think not. This man cannot be my father. He wasn’t there during my childhood to implement morals and values. I look nothing like him and disagree with almost everything he says.

I have no father. That’s what I realized.

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Did you ever hear a song and it just clicked in your head? This recently happened to me. I was watching a movie and it played at the end of the movie. I LOVE this song. Some lyrics from it:

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
in these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

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I took this picture in Kings French Bridge, Massachusetts. I just love this picture. Just reminds me of the fall over and over again.

So… New York has been seeing some prolonged fall weather. Everyone always says that NYC only gets about 2 weeks of fall weather and then it’s gone. Fall is my favorite season, so I’m glad to see that this weather is sticking around a bit longer than normal. I hope I meet a special someone soon. Someone that I can enjoy this weather with. Tired of flying solo.

In other relationship news, Esther has found someone. She seems to really like this guy. I haven’t met him yet. I need to meet him in order for him to get the seal of approval. No joke. Es meets all my potentials. I meet all hers. Can’t be with a guy if your best friend can’t get along with him right? RIGHT! I have sworn off Philly until November 9th. My favorite oppa in the world will be celebrating his birthday on that day. So I will make a special trip down there to help him celebrate. So I guess I’ll meet Es’ possible new love when I go down.

I learned something about myself these past few days. I LOVE chewing my food. Yes, I know it’s silly, but I’m serious. I didn’t realize that having wisdom teeth extracted was such a pain. Some said it would be really painful. Others said that it wouldn’t be painful at all. Well, this has been the most painful experience that I have ever had to endure, physicially speaking. I didn’t eat anything for the first 3 days. Just the thought of chewing something was painful. I’ve finally started to get my appetite back and I still can’t really chew. My mouth still won’t open very wide and gums still hurt a lot. I’ve been on a diet of anything mushy. I really miss eating. I miss the crunchiness of toasted bagels. The way my teeth cut through a juicy steak. The spicy kimchi jjigae. I can’t take this much longer. I NEED to eat!! And I know I’ve lost a few pounds from not eating, but I can’t even really tell because my face looks like that of a fuckin’ chipmunk. Some say it’s cute. I think not!

Esther took the day off and came up on Friday to help me after leaving the dentists office. She was such a sweetie. Was walking all over Rite Aide trying to find things for me to eat. Her friend mentioned that canned peaches tastes really good while on viccoden, so she got me those. Little did she know that I would almost choke on them later. Tried to chew it but it hurt too much and it was really slippery. It shot to the back of my throat and I swallowed it whole. hah… Matt oppa came up later Friday night and he and Esther kept me company all weekend until Sunday. I know I was being a pain too. I was so antsy and irritated. It was nice to have them here with me though.

Ok. Back to cleaning my apartment. It’s gotten so messy over the weekend. Can’t stand to look at it anymore. I’ve never let it get this dirty. Shame on me.

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